Churches
I've never been so frustrated in my life. This whole process was like giving a cat a bath. Even driving away from the last church we had visited, it seemed like the building itself was mocking us. In fact, if it wasn't for Jonah, I think I might've exploded.
"Hey Alex,"
Jonah said gently putting his hand on my knee,
"It's ok, We'll get through this. I know how important this is to you, and I want you to be happy. These people don't know what they're giving up. I promise you, the next place we visit will say yes."
I sighed, knowing that he was right. It was just hard, especially after the reaction we got from the last church. I bitterly thought back on it.
We were standing in front of the big oak doors, they were so monstrously large that they made us look like midgets. They were carved with the image of Jesus Christ holding his hands out to his disciples on the day of the Last Supper. Somehow, I was nervous to enter the place that has given me refuge for my entire life. I looked over at Jonah, his chocolatey brown eyes glinted with determination as his golden hair blew in the wind like wheat in a field at sunset. Jonah stood fast in front of the doors with a quiet resolve that showed on his face. He seemed to be glowing from deep within, or maybe that was just me.
“It’s now or never,” I remarked, my voice shaking. “The worst thing they can say is no, right?”
“It’s now or never,” I remarked, my voice shaking. “The worst thing they can say is no, right?”
I continued running my hand through my short hair, still not used to the feel of it. Apparently, my new haircut made me look more “respectable”. Jonah looked at me and smiled.
“You worry too much ‘Lex, they wouldn’t dare turn us away. It’s the twenty first century, we’re totally legal now. They can’t refuse us. This is New York!”
His words did nothing to placate my concerns.
“That’s not true!” I cried, stumbling back from the doors as if magnetically repelled. “They can still say no!” I shouted, tears dripping down my face. “It can be for a different reason like if they don’t have a time that works for us, or if they only let certain types of couples get married there, or what if they don’t do weddings at all!”
I rambled and blubbered, tripping over my own feet and falling onto my bottom. We had garnered all sorts of attention by now, people had stopped to watch us on the streets, cars slowed as they passed by and people had started to come out of the church, pushing open the large oak doors and emerging from the creamy white facade. I could feel my face burning as I hyperventilated on the church step. Jonah knelt down beside me, ever calm, ever caring. he bent his head down and kissed away my tears. He whispered encouragements into my ear and helped me up so that we could walk to the car, away from this mess.
“They better say yes,” I grumbled. “I’ve been through enough today,” I remarked and glared at the road. Jonah gave me a small half smile and looked at me through the corner of his eye.
“It doesn’t matter what they say ‘Lex, there are alway more places to go,” he suggested. “Who says we have to stay in Rochester, maybe we could go to Buffalo or even Albany. That’s where they signed the bill, right? We could get the governor of New York to marry us!” He added with a sly grin playing on his lips.
“You know Jonah, this is why I love you,” I leaned over and kissed his cheek.
By now we had pulled into the parking lot of the next church. I took a deep breath and pushed open my car door, I was shaking.
“Y-You know, maybe we don’t have to get married in a church,” I quavered, “I know this really nice state park that has some pretty nice scen-”
That was as far as I got before Jonah cut me off with only a look. That same fierce determination shone in his eyes. At that moment, I knew he wasn’t going to rest until we had a church to get married in gosh darn it!
“You know,” he whispered, his lips brushing my ear and his hot breath tickling my skin, “I could go in and ask while you stay in the car, ‘Lex. If this makes you uncomfortable, then you don’t need to do this. I just know how important it is to you to get married in a church. I want to make you happy.”
“But will you tell them?” I asked.
“Tell them what?” was my answer, paired with a curious stare from brown eyes, glowing with love.
“That we’re gay,” I replied.
“Naw,” he said, kissing me softly of the lips. “That’s none of their business.”
Alyssa,
ReplyDeleteI really liked the way you held off on the fact that the couple is gay until the end. I had my suspicions as I was reading through the story but when I actually read the words its made me like your story even more. You also set a very nice setting. I could see everything clearly in my mind as I read each sentence. I could see the character's expressions by the way you explained them and so it felt as if I were in that crowd watching them. Lastly, I could clearly feel the mood of the story as I read. Alex is really frustrated with not being able to get married but there is also a sense of calmness because they are so in love.
I'm not sure if it was a problem with blogger or did you mean to not indent your paragraphs? Some paragraphs were and some weren't so I wasn't sure. I got a little confused towards the end of the story. What suddenly made Alex so nervous that he didn't want to get married?
This may be because it's a rough draft but I feel you should tidy up your story a bit. Some things are kind of messy and the transitions were kind of funky and so while it was a great story, it gets a little confusing at some parts because I wasn't sure what was where or what was happening. There are also some minor punctuation errors that should get revised. Except for that, I loved your story.
Selena D
Hi! My favorite part of the story was when when the main character was having a flashback on the troubles there had been having when trying to find a church where they could have their wedding. This showed how much Jonah loved Alex and how much they want to have their wedding at a church. You explained and made me imagine the strong love between Jonah and Alex, which made the story even more heartwarming. The beginning of the story does "hook" the reader (me) because you want to figure out why Alex was so frustrated. You also used 2 lit terms in your hook, a personification and a simile, which was a nice, interesting way to start off your short story.
ReplyDeleteThe end of the story is somewhat satisfying because it leaves you on a cliff hanger of wether Alex and Jonah get married, but you also fill in a big gap of why the couple had so much trouble getting married. The story is built well, you can clearly state what the conflict is, which is that they can't get married. There is only one thing I would touch up on which is the reason of why Alex got nervous at the end. That part was a bit confusing, but the characters are well developed and shouldn't need any editing. I believe the theme of this story is that you should always stick up for what you believe in. I love your story and hope that you will make a those few slight adjustments.
Sharda M
Great story. It really made me want to keep reading. I liked your use of foreshadowing, when you said the main character had short hair and that no church would accept their marriage. That was very well done. I also like, but also hate, the cliffhanger, because it makes the reader wonder if they get married, but I also really want to know! Just one thing you should add, is more detail of how Alex was worried about getting turned down form the church. Was he scared of being turned down again? Was he just scared of their judgement of them being gay? Other than this, great story with a great conflict (but no resolution, which makes a great cliffhanger) and characters!
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ReplyDeleteOops accidentally forgot something the first time.
ReplyDeleteDear Alyssa,
Great story on a very serious topic! One thing I like was that you added parts of the story that made me feel like they were actually in love. It made me want to root for them and made me relate to them more. Another thing that I liked was the use of a flashback. It gave a deep understanding of what their goals were and an overall greater background knowledge of them. Another thing I liked was you imagery! It really painted a vivid picture in my mind and the vocabulary you used was outstanding. One question I had was why does he want to get married in a church? Another is why doesn't he tell them that they're gay, that's a bit untruthful? A suggestion I have is tell what the churches said to them in the past. Was it because they were gay or they didn't have a time that would work? Overall I feel it was a great story because this is a problem that our country is dealing with now in the present.
Great work, Camden D
Hey! Your story was one of the only ones that had the reader questioning the characters! I really enjoy story's who had a questing topic, which is revealed at the end. The foreshadowing was good as well, especially how it was hidden within the characters description! Imagery was very well done, along with conflict and plot! In the end, Its hard to say what really is a problem with this story, so I respect that.
ReplyDeleteGreat story! I liked how you had the whole story connect with eachother making the main part a whole flash back. I also liked how you stated that the were gay at the very end. I finally infered it half way through the story. I enjoyed that. Lastly, I liked how there was a person vs. Person conflict (when he was nervous to ask the church) and a person vs. Society (the gay marriage). Two questions I have are, what are some physical characteristics of the two men and how does the church say no. I honestly don't have any suggestions for your story, you did awesome!
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